Here, in this moment, I surrender to your love

I've been thinking about this post for awhile now. Mainly about how raw and how honest I want to get because, one I don't like opening up to people and two, my parents read this. Then, I realized, I'm sick of lying to the world, pretending I'm some super-duper person., that I'm Little Miss Sweet and Innocent.

Every January 21st is always going to have a special meaning to me. Its probably the most important anniversary I will ever have. It was 2005 and I'll always remember where I was, who I was with and what I doing. Two years ago, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and became a Christian ... but, we'll get back to that.

So, I grew up in Whitehall, PA. For awhile it was my dad, my mom, my older brother, me, and my younger sister. In this situation, I like to use the Desperate Housewive analogy ... everyting looked picture perfect on the outside, but everything was so totally screwed up on the inside, behind the closed doors. My mom started cheating on my dad when I was 8 years old. They used to fight about it every night and I lay awake in my bed listening to it. My mom physically abused me for as long as I can remember. I remember being thrown down stairs. I remember she hit me so hard her acrylic nails would break off. It went on for awhile. Her and my dad finally got divorced when I was 11. He was left to raise the 3 of us by himself. She came around a little bit in the beginning, right after the divorce, but that soon stopped.

Becuase of the divorce, my grandparents really stepped up. I actually got really close to my mom's dad. He and my grandma took me on vaction the summer before my sophomore year of high school, when I was 15. My grandpa had a stroke in October of that year. Its what started my depression. Everything else in my life just seemed to make it get worse and worse. I soon found that I had no friends at school anymore. I was sad all the time. I slipped even further and further and I just decided I didn't want to live anymore. I just wanted an escape from all my pain. I thought about killing myself a lot. My dad took me to therapy and I started taking anti-depressents. It helped, but I still hated being at school.

As far as growing up with religion ... I was Catholic. I did the whole first communion, confirmation thing. After getting confirmed in 7th grade, I became Christmas and Easter church attender. It was just never really important in my life.

I found hope in attending college four hours from home where no body knew me. I could just start over. Going to Clarion University was the best choice I ever made. I used to look back and wonder why God allowed me to go through all the things I did in high school, and then one day it was totally clear to me. Its becuase ultimately those expriences led to me to Clarion, which led me to Christ.

So, I wasn't a drinker or a partier so I gravitated towards others who were just like me in that sense. I met Jen and Janine who happened to be Christians. My freshman year, I started going to Catholic church with another girl I met in my dorm. Thats when I started having serious doubts about religion and this thing called God. I started to question things, like how do I know that God and Jesus are real? I was a person of little faith, who needed conrete evidence. For awhile I thought that I had my God, but the Gods of the Hindu or Muslum faith were real too. Like everyone had their own seperate Heaven when they died. Jen and Janine became my best friends. They told me about salvation, and at the age of 18, opened a Bible for the first time. Second semester my freshman year, I had my first boyfriend, who ended up dumping me because I wouldn't have sex with him. That's when I decided I was going to wait until marriage.

The first summer I was home from college I started going to a new church with my dad and his girlfriend. I felt more connected there then at a Catholic church, but everything was still so foreign to me. I didn't understand a lot of what was going on, but was eager to learn.
Sophomore year came around and I was exploring more and more about Christianity. I met Ashley, another Christian, and we ended up living together the second semester of that year. Through Ashley, I met Paul, this really great Christian guy who, for some reason, really liked me. I remember a phone conversation with Paul one February night. We both cried as I told him I wanted to be saved, but wasn't sure if I could do it. I left Clarion my sophomore year feeling like my life was finally on track. I had great friends, an amazing boyfriend and I had a good paying job lined up for the summer.

Things started to fall apart about a week after I came home. Paul broke up with me. He had become my best friend and I had totally fallen in love with him. My dad got engaged wihtout telling any of us kids first. I felt so betrayed. I was left heartbroken at home with no friends around to help me. One night, I put away my Bible, pretty much saying, "Screw you, God. If this is the life you are giving me. I don't want it. I'll do it myself."

So, I went back to school my junior year to live with Jen, Janine and Ashley, my 3 best friends. I tried to convince them everything was ok. But, Jen and Janine saw right thru it. I was miserable when it seemed like everyone around me was so happy. Paul and I started hanging out in October of that year after not speaking for 5 months. He said he still cared about me and thats all I need to hear. We started sneaking around behind our friends backs, keeping our "relationship" a secret. I didn't even tell Janine that he and I had been fooling around until right before Christmas break that year. Things wil Paul were so wishy-washy. One day he'd be all about me, then I wouldn't hear from him for two weeks. I was so in love with him and all I wanted was for him to love me back.

By the end of that semester, I was pretty roughed up. Everything looked perfect on the outside. I had great friends, was involved in a million activities and got good grades, but on the inside everything was all screwed up. I didn't understand why I wasn't good enough for the man I loved and I had a broken relationship with my family. I was holding on to so much anger and resentment. No matter what I did, I couldn't make myself happy, I felt so empty inside. I just wanted to be a complete person.

It was the night of January 20, 2005 when I started talking to my friend Zach online, who I had met thru Janine. I remember he asked me if I was a Christian and I answer, "well sorta." He told me it was either a yes or no. I told him that I was pretty sure I believed in God and Jesus, but I was good person. His response, "well, good people don't go to Heaven, people who love Jesus do." I dicussed with Zach how I was afraid... afraid of being wrong, afraid of not being good enough. I think the most signficant thing he said to me that night was something along the lines of "so, if your best friend stood in front of you and took a bullet for you and died, you'd do something to honor them, right? Well, Jesus Christ died on the cross for you sins. What are you doing for him?" I was so confused, it was something I had been thinking about for a really, really long time. Zach urged me to Janine and I said no because she was asleep upstairs. Next thing I knew, my bedroom door swings and there stands Janine. She asks me whats going because Zach had just called her. I told her all about our converstion. I remember telling Janine I was scared that I wouldn't be good enough for God, that I would fall short. I remember her reply. "I think you're ready." So, there in our apartment ... at 1212 Whitetail Lane in Clarion, Pa in my bedroom at 1:30 a.m. on January 21, 2005 we prayed together and I asked Jesus into my heart. I remember holding my best friend's hands and crying with her as I made the biggest decision of my life.

The next day I woke up and felt so different. I felt whole inside. Ashley had told me I'd feel that way, but I never believed it. I had found the missing piece. Everything was great for while. We started having Bible studies at our apartment and I joined Campus Crusade for Chirst (CRU). I went home for the summer feeling so pumped up.

I started to fall away that summer. I didn't have the support of Christian friends around. I started worrying about money and life again. I was still "seeing" Paul. I still held on to that hurt.
I got back to school senior year and I had a new roommate, Laura. She was there for me whenever I needed her. She was great. That year, I toyed with the idea of dating a Christian guy who when to a near by school (Slippery Rock). We had met the previous semester on a trip to Florida. He was in CRU at his school. All my friends were really supportive of it, but Paul kept popping up. I was still living a life of sin in that sense and I was still mad about the things that had happened to me in life that I couldn't control. Christmas break was horrible. I went home for 9 days and then had to get out of there.

Soon after the spring semester, my last semester of college, started this guy Randy started paying attention to me. We had a lot in common. We were working on the same degree and we were both somewhat athletic (him more than me) and we were into the same movies. Before I started dating him, I asked if he was a Christian and he said yes and the whole reason he persued me was because he found out I was one too. We didn't live Christian lives or have a Christian relationship tho. We'd go to church on Sundays, sometimes we'd read the Bible together. I knew I wasn't where I was suppose to be on my walk with the Lord, but I didn't care. I had this amazing guy paying attention to me and I wasn't hurting over Paul anymore. I found myself spending more and more time at Randy's. I basically moved in with him. About a month into the relationship, I ended up losing my virginity to him. After it was all said and done I realized what a huge mistake it had been and told him it was a once and done thing. We broke up five days later.

When I should have cared and should have repented and asked for forgiveness I just didn't. It happened, I didn't care. I couldn't take it back. Janine was the first to know. Paul the second. My life as a Christian was a total sham, but I didn't care as I was doing a pretty good job of fooling others.

I spent the summer after graduation in Clarion. I stopped going to church again that June. Didn't read the Bible. Just worked my jobs and went on with life. I breifly dated someone else that summer, a really good guy, but nothing ever came of it.

At the end of the summer I felt a calling on my heart. I felt the need to have a close, personal relationship with Christ. The end of the summer was nearing and I had no job and no place to go. One day I just woke up and felt called to be home. No worries, no fears. I needed to move back to Whitehall. Finishing my internship and leaving Clairon was a wake-up call. There I was 22 years old with a college degree and no direction in life. I woke up. Like, Hey Ash... how are you going to live your life ... with Christ or without him? I chose Christ again. I went home with a renewed spirit being totally on fire for the Lord.

I met Mike at work and we started dating and I almost lost all of it again. I started lying to people again. I lied that dating a non-Christian wasn't affecting my relationship with Christ. I lied and said that in prayer, God was telling me it was ok, when God was telling me the total opposite. But, I didn't want to give up on a such a good person. Finally, Mike was strong enough to step up and stop it. I think neither of us wanted to hurt each other, but we were hurting each other by staying in a relationship that neither of us were happy in. I just look back on it now and realized how far off the path I could have gotten again. I saw my relationship with Christ starting to deminish again.

So, the main things I've learned since I've become a Christian ... becoming one doesn't make your life perfect. There are times where you are going to fall away, but God is always there to forgive you and take you back each time. I learned what true love is. I have someone who is going to love me no matter what I do and no matter how many times I screw up.
Sometimes I still worry, I won't lie. Recently I have been worrying about finding someone to share my life with, finding a good job and having enough money to pay my bills. It's now, in this time of uncertainity, that I sit in prayer and say "God, here in this moment, I surrender to your love."