So, I was in the shower at the HPC (the gym, my place of employment) and this idea just came to me. Its this idea of life being one huge game of dodge ball.
Life is like dodge ball. You jump, you twist, you turn and you duck to get out of the way of all these obsticles. But sometimes if you aren't paying attention and if you aren't quick enough, you take on right to the gut. Well, I suck at dodge ball.
It doesn't come as a shock to anyone that I've fallen on some hard times lately. In the past month I've gone thru break up and move out of my parents house. Work is just crazy. There so so many things changing and I'm starting to realized that I can't trust anyone. Sometimes I just wish I weren't so nice, and sometimes I just wish I could make people disappear. I don't understand back stabbing and gossip and creating drama. I feel like I'm in high school again. Everyone sees me as the vulnerable one ... the easy target.
But this time I have something that I didn't before ... faith. Faith in something bigger than me, faith in believing that everything happens for reason and faith that I am going to be ok because I identify myself as a Christ follower and find my strength in Him.
But, I still suck at dodge ball. Sometimes I'm too trusting, other times I'm not trusting enough, Sometimes I'm oblivious to the things that go on around me and other times I'm too much of a snoop. I've learned that life, like dodge ball, is a game, and I don't play games. I'm raw. I'm honest. I'm real. I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Sometimes I think about how life and how temporary it is. I tend throw it away sometimes. But, life is a gift from God. I think about HEaven and all that, what it will be like. But, I lraned that the kingdom of Heaven is any place where the will of God is accomplished. So, God's kingdom can be anywhere, right? Maybe I should start caring more about the here and now.
Sometimes I ask God why I don't have what I want. Why don't I have a husband? Why don't I have a career? Why don't I have a good group of freinds here? But then I think about all that I do have. I have an amazing family and this crazy passion for Him. And that crazy passion is all I will ever need.
I think God lets us love life through the people He has put in it. Like having parents who are your best friends. Its about having two best friends from college you've only known for a short time, but you feel like you grew up together. Its about having a best friend you've had since you were four and every day you grow closer. Its remembering all the crazy times in the dorms and all the things you went through together which bonded you so tightly (deaths, weddings, heart breaks, babies). Its about driving around town with your favorite country song on repeat ("come and lay your head on this big brass bed and we'll be alright as long as you stay with me"). Its about loving each person and embracing that they love you back.
So, this thing with dodge ball. Its a two sided game. Just as much as you dodge, other people are doing the same thing. Just as you may take a hit, they may too. It makes me think about how many people I've hurt in my life. I know there have probably been a few, or more then a few. How many people took one to the gut because of something I've done?
Life ... so screwed up. Does anyone ever really figure it out? That's where my faith comes in ... faith that I'm living for something more, faith that God will get me through the hard times and faith that I do indeed have a purpose in this crazy game of dodge ball.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Here, in this moment, I surrender to your love
I've been thinking about this post for awhile now. Mainly about how raw and how honest I want to get because, one I don't like opening up to people and two, my parents read this. Then, I realized, I'm sick of lying to the world, pretending I'm some super-duper person., that I'm Little Miss Sweet and Innocent.
Every January 21st is always going to have a special meaning to me. Its probably the most important anniversary I will ever have. It was 2005 and I'll always remember where I was, who I was with and what I doing. Two years ago, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and became a Christian ... but, we'll get back to that.
So, I grew up in Whitehall, PA. For awhile it was my dad, my mom, my older brother, me, and my younger sister. In this situation, I like to use the Desperate Housewive analogy ... everyting looked picture perfect on the outside, but everything was so totally screwed up on the inside, behind the closed doors. My mom started cheating on my dad when I was 8 years old. They used to fight about it every night and I lay awake in my bed listening to it. My mom physically abused me for as long as I can remember. I remember being thrown down stairs. I remember she hit me so hard her acrylic nails would break off. It went on for awhile. Her and my dad finally got divorced when I was 11. He was left to raise the 3 of us by himself. She came around a little bit in the beginning, right after the divorce, but that soon stopped.
Becuase of the divorce, my grandparents really stepped up. I actually got really close to my mom's dad. He and my grandma took me on vaction the summer before my sophomore year of high school, when I was 15. My grandpa had a stroke in October of that year. Its what started my depression. Everything else in my life just seemed to make it get worse and worse. I soon found that I had no friends at school anymore. I was sad all the time. I slipped even further and further and I just decided I didn't want to live anymore. I just wanted an escape from all my pain. I thought about killing myself a lot. My dad took me to therapy and I started taking anti-depressents. It helped, but I still hated being at school.
As far as growing up with religion ... I was Catholic. I did the whole first communion, confirmation thing. After getting confirmed in 7th grade, I became Christmas and Easter church attender. It was just never really important in my life.
I found hope in attending college four hours from home where no body knew me. I could just start over. Going to Clarion University was the best choice I ever made. I used to look back and wonder why God allowed me to go through all the things I did in high school, and then one day it was totally clear to me. Its becuase ultimately those expriences led to me to Clarion, which led me to Christ.
So, I wasn't a drinker or a partier so I gravitated towards others who were just like me in that sense. I met Jen and Janine who happened to be Christians. My freshman year, I started going to Catholic church with another girl I met in my dorm. Thats when I started having serious doubts about religion and this thing called God. I started to question things, like how do I know that God and Jesus are real? I was a person of little faith, who needed conrete evidence. For awhile I thought that I had my God, but the Gods of the Hindu or Muslum faith were real too. Like everyone had their own seperate Heaven when they died. Jen and Janine became my best friends. They told me about salvation, and at the age of 18, opened a Bible for the first time. Second semester my freshman year, I had my first boyfriend, who ended up dumping me because I wouldn't have sex with him. That's when I decided I was going to wait until marriage.
The first summer I was home from college I started going to a new church with my dad and his girlfriend. I felt more connected there then at a Catholic church, but everything was still so foreign to me. I didn't understand a lot of what was going on, but was eager to learn.
Sophomore year came around and I was exploring more and more about Christianity. I met Ashley, another Christian, and we ended up living together the second semester of that year. Through Ashley, I met Paul, this really great Christian guy who, for some reason, really liked me. I remember a phone conversation with Paul one February night. We both cried as I told him I wanted to be saved, but wasn't sure if I could do it. I left Clarion my sophomore year feeling like my life was finally on track. I had great friends, an amazing boyfriend and I had a good paying job lined up for the summer.
Things started to fall apart about a week after I came home. Paul broke up with me. He had become my best friend and I had totally fallen in love with him. My dad got engaged wihtout telling any of us kids first. I felt so betrayed. I was left heartbroken at home with no friends around to help me. One night, I put away my Bible, pretty much saying, "Screw you, God. If this is the life you are giving me. I don't want it. I'll do it myself."
So, I went back to school my junior year to live with Jen, Janine and Ashley, my 3 best friends. I tried to convince them everything was ok. But, Jen and Janine saw right thru it. I was miserable when it seemed like everyone around me was so happy. Paul and I started hanging out in October of that year after not speaking for 5 months. He said he still cared about me and thats all I need to hear. We started sneaking around behind our friends backs, keeping our "relationship" a secret. I didn't even tell Janine that he and I had been fooling around until right before Christmas break that year. Things wil Paul were so wishy-washy. One day he'd be all about me, then I wouldn't hear from him for two weeks. I was so in love with him and all I wanted was for him to love me back.
By the end of that semester, I was pretty roughed up. Everything looked perfect on the outside. I had great friends, was involved in a million activities and got good grades, but on the inside everything was all screwed up. I didn't understand why I wasn't good enough for the man I loved and I had a broken relationship with my family. I was holding on to so much anger and resentment. No matter what I did, I couldn't make myself happy, I felt so empty inside. I just wanted to be a complete person.
It was the night of January 20, 2005 when I started talking to my friend Zach online, who I had met thru Janine. I remember he asked me if I was a Christian and I answer, "well sorta." He told me it was either a yes or no. I told him that I was pretty sure I believed in God and Jesus, but I was good person. His response, "well, good people don't go to Heaven, people who love Jesus do." I dicussed with Zach how I was afraid... afraid of being wrong, afraid of not being good enough. I think the most signficant thing he said to me that night was something along the lines of "so, if your best friend stood in front of you and took a bullet for you and died, you'd do something to honor them, right? Well, Jesus Christ died on the cross for you sins. What are you doing for him?" I was so confused, it was something I had been thinking about for a really, really long time. Zach urged me to Janine and I said no because she was asleep upstairs. Next thing I knew, my bedroom door swings and there stands Janine. She asks me whats going because Zach had just called her. I told her all about our converstion. I remember telling Janine I was scared that I wouldn't be good enough for God, that I would fall short. I remember her reply. "I think you're ready." So, there in our apartment ... at 1212 Whitetail Lane in Clarion, Pa in my bedroom at 1:30 a.m. on January 21, 2005 we prayed together and I asked Jesus into my heart. I remember holding my best friend's hands and crying with her as I made the biggest decision of my life.
The next day I woke up and felt so different. I felt whole inside. Ashley had told me I'd feel that way, but I never believed it. I had found the missing piece. Everything was great for while. We started having Bible studies at our apartment and I joined Campus Crusade for Chirst (CRU). I went home for the summer feeling so pumped up.
I started to fall away that summer. I didn't have the support of Christian friends around. I started worrying about money and life again. I was still "seeing" Paul. I still held on to that hurt.
I got back to school senior year and I had a new roommate, Laura. She was there for me whenever I needed her. She was great. That year, I toyed with the idea of dating a Christian guy who when to a near by school (Slippery Rock). We had met the previous semester on a trip to Florida. He was in CRU at his school. All my friends were really supportive of it, but Paul kept popping up. I was still living a life of sin in that sense and I was still mad about the things that had happened to me in life that I couldn't control. Christmas break was horrible. I went home for 9 days and then had to get out of there.
Soon after the spring semester, my last semester of college, started this guy Randy started paying attention to me. We had a lot in common. We were working on the same degree and we were both somewhat athletic (him more than me) and we were into the same movies. Before I started dating him, I asked if he was a Christian and he said yes and the whole reason he persued me was because he found out I was one too. We didn't live Christian lives or have a Christian relationship tho. We'd go to church on Sundays, sometimes we'd read the Bible together. I knew I wasn't where I was suppose to be on my walk with the Lord, but I didn't care. I had this amazing guy paying attention to me and I wasn't hurting over Paul anymore. I found myself spending more and more time at Randy's. I basically moved in with him. About a month into the relationship, I ended up losing my virginity to him. After it was all said and done I realized what a huge mistake it had been and told him it was a once and done thing. We broke up five days later.
When I should have cared and should have repented and asked for forgiveness I just didn't. It happened, I didn't care. I couldn't take it back. Janine was the first to know. Paul the second. My life as a Christian was a total sham, but I didn't care as I was doing a pretty good job of fooling others.
I spent the summer after graduation in Clarion. I stopped going to church again that June. Didn't read the Bible. Just worked my jobs and went on with life. I breifly dated someone else that summer, a really good guy, but nothing ever came of it.
At the end of the summer I felt a calling on my heart. I felt the need to have a close, personal relationship with Christ. The end of the summer was nearing and I had no job and no place to go. One day I just woke up and felt called to be home. No worries, no fears. I needed to move back to Whitehall. Finishing my internship and leaving Clairon was a wake-up call. There I was 22 years old with a college degree and no direction in life. I woke up. Like, Hey Ash... how are you going to live your life ... with Christ or without him? I chose Christ again. I went home with a renewed spirit being totally on fire for the Lord.
I met Mike at work and we started dating and I almost lost all of it again. I started lying to people again. I lied that dating a non-Christian wasn't affecting my relationship with Christ. I lied and said that in prayer, God was telling me it was ok, when God was telling me the total opposite. But, I didn't want to give up on a such a good person. Finally, Mike was strong enough to step up and stop it. I think neither of us wanted to hurt each other, but we were hurting each other by staying in a relationship that neither of us were happy in. I just look back on it now and realized how far off the path I could have gotten again. I saw my relationship with Christ starting to deminish again.
So, the main things I've learned since I've become a Christian ... becoming one doesn't make your life perfect. There are times where you are going to fall away, but God is always there to forgive you and take you back each time. I learned what true love is. I have someone who is going to love me no matter what I do and no matter how many times I screw up.
Sometimes I still worry, I won't lie. Recently I have been worrying about finding someone to share my life with, finding a good job and having enough money to pay my bills. It's now, in this time of uncertainity, that I sit in prayer and say "God, here in this moment, I surrender to your love."
Every January 21st is always going to have a special meaning to me. Its probably the most important anniversary I will ever have. It was 2005 and I'll always remember where I was, who I was with and what I doing. Two years ago, I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and became a Christian ... but, we'll get back to that.
So, I grew up in Whitehall, PA. For awhile it was my dad, my mom, my older brother, me, and my younger sister. In this situation, I like to use the Desperate Housewive analogy ... everyting looked picture perfect on the outside, but everything was so totally screwed up on the inside, behind the closed doors. My mom started cheating on my dad when I was 8 years old. They used to fight about it every night and I lay awake in my bed listening to it. My mom physically abused me for as long as I can remember. I remember being thrown down stairs. I remember she hit me so hard her acrylic nails would break off. It went on for awhile. Her and my dad finally got divorced when I was 11. He was left to raise the 3 of us by himself. She came around a little bit in the beginning, right after the divorce, but that soon stopped.
Becuase of the divorce, my grandparents really stepped up. I actually got really close to my mom's dad. He and my grandma took me on vaction the summer before my sophomore year of high school, when I was 15. My grandpa had a stroke in October of that year. Its what started my depression. Everything else in my life just seemed to make it get worse and worse. I soon found that I had no friends at school anymore. I was sad all the time. I slipped even further and further and I just decided I didn't want to live anymore. I just wanted an escape from all my pain. I thought about killing myself a lot. My dad took me to therapy and I started taking anti-depressents. It helped, but I still hated being at school.
As far as growing up with religion ... I was Catholic. I did the whole first communion, confirmation thing. After getting confirmed in 7th grade, I became Christmas and Easter church attender. It was just never really important in my life.
I found hope in attending college four hours from home where no body knew me. I could just start over. Going to Clarion University was the best choice I ever made. I used to look back and wonder why God allowed me to go through all the things I did in high school, and then one day it was totally clear to me. Its becuase ultimately those expriences led to me to Clarion, which led me to Christ.
So, I wasn't a drinker or a partier so I gravitated towards others who were just like me in that sense. I met Jen and Janine who happened to be Christians. My freshman year, I started going to Catholic church with another girl I met in my dorm. Thats when I started having serious doubts about religion and this thing called God. I started to question things, like how do I know that God and Jesus are real? I was a person of little faith, who needed conrete evidence. For awhile I thought that I had my God, but the Gods of the Hindu or Muslum faith were real too. Like everyone had their own seperate Heaven when they died. Jen and Janine became my best friends. They told me about salvation, and at the age of 18, opened a Bible for the first time. Second semester my freshman year, I had my first boyfriend, who ended up dumping me because I wouldn't have sex with him. That's when I decided I was going to wait until marriage.
The first summer I was home from college I started going to a new church with my dad and his girlfriend. I felt more connected there then at a Catholic church, but everything was still so foreign to me. I didn't understand a lot of what was going on, but was eager to learn.
Sophomore year came around and I was exploring more and more about Christianity. I met Ashley, another Christian, and we ended up living together the second semester of that year. Through Ashley, I met Paul, this really great Christian guy who, for some reason, really liked me. I remember a phone conversation with Paul one February night. We both cried as I told him I wanted to be saved, but wasn't sure if I could do it. I left Clarion my sophomore year feeling like my life was finally on track. I had great friends, an amazing boyfriend and I had a good paying job lined up for the summer.
Things started to fall apart about a week after I came home. Paul broke up with me. He had become my best friend and I had totally fallen in love with him. My dad got engaged wihtout telling any of us kids first. I felt so betrayed. I was left heartbroken at home with no friends around to help me. One night, I put away my Bible, pretty much saying, "Screw you, God. If this is the life you are giving me. I don't want it. I'll do it myself."
So, I went back to school my junior year to live with Jen, Janine and Ashley, my 3 best friends. I tried to convince them everything was ok. But, Jen and Janine saw right thru it. I was miserable when it seemed like everyone around me was so happy. Paul and I started hanging out in October of that year after not speaking for 5 months. He said he still cared about me and thats all I need to hear. We started sneaking around behind our friends backs, keeping our "relationship" a secret. I didn't even tell Janine that he and I had been fooling around until right before Christmas break that year. Things wil Paul were so wishy-washy. One day he'd be all about me, then I wouldn't hear from him for two weeks. I was so in love with him and all I wanted was for him to love me back.
By the end of that semester, I was pretty roughed up. Everything looked perfect on the outside. I had great friends, was involved in a million activities and got good grades, but on the inside everything was all screwed up. I didn't understand why I wasn't good enough for the man I loved and I had a broken relationship with my family. I was holding on to so much anger and resentment. No matter what I did, I couldn't make myself happy, I felt so empty inside. I just wanted to be a complete person.
It was the night of January 20, 2005 when I started talking to my friend Zach online, who I had met thru Janine. I remember he asked me if I was a Christian and I answer, "well sorta." He told me it was either a yes or no. I told him that I was pretty sure I believed in God and Jesus, but I was good person. His response, "well, good people don't go to Heaven, people who love Jesus do." I dicussed with Zach how I was afraid... afraid of being wrong, afraid of not being good enough. I think the most signficant thing he said to me that night was something along the lines of "so, if your best friend stood in front of you and took a bullet for you and died, you'd do something to honor them, right? Well, Jesus Christ died on the cross for you sins. What are you doing for him?" I was so confused, it was something I had been thinking about for a really, really long time. Zach urged me to Janine and I said no because she was asleep upstairs. Next thing I knew, my bedroom door swings and there stands Janine. She asks me whats going because Zach had just called her. I told her all about our converstion. I remember telling Janine I was scared that I wouldn't be good enough for God, that I would fall short. I remember her reply. "I think you're ready." So, there in our apartment ... at 1212 Whitetail Lane in Clarion, Pa in my bedroom at 1:30 a.m. on January 21, 2005 we prayed together and I asked Jesus into my heart. I remember holding my best friend's hands and crying with her as I made the biggest decision of my life.
The next day I woke up and felt so different. I felt whole inside. Ashley had told me I'd feel that way, but I never believed it. I had found the missing piece. Everything was great for while. We started having Bible studies at our apartment and I joined Campus Crusade for Chirst (CRU). I went home for the summer feeling so pumped up.
I started to fall away that summer. I didn't have the support of Christian friends around. I started worrying about money and life again. I was still "seeing" Paul. I still held on to that hurt.
I got back to school senior year and I had a new roommate, Laura. She was there for me whenever I needed her. She was great. That year, I toyed with the idea of dating a Christian guy who when to a near by school (Slippery Rock). We had met the previous semester on a trip to Florida. He was in CRU at his school. All my friends were really supportive of it, but Paul kept popping up. I was still living a life of sin in that sense and I was still mad about the things that had happened to me in life that I couldn't control. Christmas break was horrible. I went home for 9 days and then had to get out of there.
Soon after the spring semester, my last semester of college, started this guy Randy started paying attention to me. We had a lot in common. We were working on the same degree and we were both somewhat athletic (him more than me) and we were into the same movies. Before I started dating him, I asked if he was a Christian and he said yes and the whole reason he persued me was because he found out I was one too. We didn't live Christian lives or have a Christian relationship tho. We'd go to church on Sundays, sometimes we'd read the Bible together. I knew I wasn't where I was suppose to be on my walk with the Lord, but I didn't care. I had this amazing guy paying attention to me and I wasn't hurting over Paul anymore. I found myself spending more and more time at Randy's. I basically moved in with him. About a month into the relationship, I ended up losing my virginity to him. After it was all said and done I realized what a huge mistake it had been and told him it was a once and done thing. We broke up five days later.
When I should have cared and should have repented and asked for forgiveness I just didn't. It happened, I didn't care. I couldn't take it back. Janine was the first to know. Paul the second. My life as a Christian was a total sham, but I didn't care as I was doing a pretty good job of fooling others.
I spent the summer after graduation in Clarion. I stopped going to church again that June. Didn't read the Bible. Just worked my jobs and went on with life. I breifly dated someone else that summer, a really good guy, but nothing ever came of it.
At the end of the summer I felt a calling on my heart. I felt the need to have a close, personal relationship with Christ. The end of the summer was nearing and I had no job and no place to go. One day I just woke up and felt called to be home. No worries, no fears. I needed to move back to Whitehall. Finishing my internship and leaving Clairon was a wake-up call. There I was 22 years old with a college degree and no direction in life. I woke up. Like, Hey Ash... how are you going to live your life ... with Christ or without him? I chose Christ again. I went home with a renewed spirit being totally on fire for the Lord.
I met Mike at work and we started dating and I almost lost all of it again. I started lying to people again. I lied that dating a non-Christian wasn't affecting my relationship with Christ. I lied and said that in prayer, God was telling me it was ok, when God was telling me the total opposite. But, I didn't want to give up on a such a good person. Finally, Mike was strong enough to step up and stop it. I think neither of us wanted to hurt each other, but we were hurting each other by staying in a relationship that neither of us were happy in. I just look back on it now and realized how far off the path I could have gotten again. I saw my relationship with Christ starting to deminish again.
So, the main things I've learned since I've become a Christian ... becoming one doesn't make your life perfect. There are times where you are going to fall away, but God is always there to forgive you and take you back each time. I learned what true love is. I have someone who is going to love me no matter what I do and no matter how many times I screw up.
Sometimes I still worry, I won't lie. Recently I have been worrying about finding someone to share my life with, finding a good job and having enough money to pay my bills. It's now, in this time of uncertainity, that I sit in prayer and say "God, here in this moment, I surrender to your love."
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Hi, My name is Ashley, and I never learn from my mistakes...
I got my butt kicked by this illness called strep throat this week. Wednesday night I started feeling crappy. I only did half my shift at work on Thursday and was completely out of Friday. I hurt so bad I could barely walk up and down the stairs in my house. Friday I went to the doctor and then laid in bed all day, shivering wondering what it would be like if I died. I had an encounter with a very irrate ex, which pissed me off even more because I was really, really sick. But, laying in bed the whole day I had a lot of time to think about things and a lot of time to talk to God. So, for everyone who doesn't know me ...
HI, MY NAME IS ASHLEY, AND I NEVER LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES ...
So, I've made some pretty bad choices the last few months. I pretty much heard God telling me no, yet I defied him. Plain and simple, I chose not to listen. I've been down that road before and I know it leads to nothing good, but do I ever learn from my mistakes? My friend Paul politely answered "no," but it was meant to be more of a rhetrocial question.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a nice, Christian boy to settle down with, which, in turn makes me ask myself why I haven't been looking for a nice Christian boy. I guess there is a multitude of answers to that. One, I guess I've never been totally secure in my faith, I backslid a lot since I got saved almost 2 years ago. Mainly, in the category of guys. Second, I wonder if a Christian man is willing to forgive me for all my mistakes, including the ones I've made after becoming a Christian.
Today, Pastor Eric talked about sin and how turning from sin is a collabortive effort between you and Christ. Well, I realized that I'm not making the effort to turn away from my sins. Sometimes I just brush it off, like "O, Christ will forgive me. Jesus still loves me." Its not an excuse to do things that I KNOW are WRONG. I feel so guilt ridden over it. Guilt is not of God, and I know I just have to ask for forgiveness and let it go, because as Pastor Eric said today our relationship with Christ can't grow if we are holding on to the past. In my case, this past was 2 weeks ago.
I think I hurt someone. I was just stating how I felt about certain things, being completely honest ... and I ended up hurting somone. I just wanted to let it be and just move on with life, but I gave in (again) and it turned into a 3-ring circus. I should have just kept my mouth shut, like I was planning to. He didn't need my 2-sense, he's a big boy and why does it matter if I like the way he lives his life or not? Maybe I should just learn to support him if he's happy (as a friend, of course), and just pray. But in the same sense, its a two-way street ...
"Our maturity in Christ is a cooperative effort. YOU need to take the steps in your life to get rid of sin." - Pastor Eric Miller
With that being said, I made a list of things that I can personally do to help get rid of the sin in my life.
1. Don't date non-Christians ... wait, don't date ANY boy (non-Christian or EVEN CHRISTIAN)who do not have the same views on life as you do. Don't feel pressued into doing anything. If you feel guilty about something its probably because what you are doing is WRONG.
2. Be careful not to prejudge people (I tend to do this a lot).
3. Have patience in all circumstances.
4. Praise the Lord and pray to him ALWAYS. Let him have full control of your life.
I'm a smart girl ... I should start acting like it.
HI, MY NAME IS ASHLEY, AND I NEVER LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES ...
So, I've made some pretty bad choices the last few months. I pretty much heard God telling me no, yet I defied him. Plain and simple, I chose not to listen. I've been down that road before and I know it leads to nothing good, but do I ever learn from my mistakes? My friend Paul politely answered "no," but it was meant to be more of a rhetrocial question.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find a nice, Christian boy to settle down with, which, in turn makes me ask myself why I haven't been looking for a nice Christian boy. I guess there is a multitude of answers to that. One, I guess I've never been totally secure in my faith, I backslid a lot since I got saved almost 2 years ago. Mainly, in the category of guys. Second, I wonder if a Christian man is willing to forgive me for all my mistakes, including the ones I've made after becoming a Christian.
Today, Pastor Eric talked about sin and how turning from sin is a collabortive effort between you and Christ. Well, I realized that I'm not making the effort to turn away from my sins. Sometimes I just brush it off, like "O, Christ will forgive me. Jesus still loves me." Its not an excuse to do things that I KNOW are WRONG. I feel so guilt ridden over it. Guilt is not of God, and I know I just have to ask for forgiveness and let it go, because as Pastor Eric said today our relationship with Christ can't grow if we are holding on to the past. In my case, this past was 2 weeks ago.
I think I hurt someone. I was just stating how I felt about certain things, being completely honest ... and I ended up hurting somone. I just wanted to let it be and just move on with life, but I gave in (again) and it turned into a 3-ring circus. I should have just kept my mouth shut, like I was planning to. He didn't need my 2-sense, he's a big boy and why does it matter if I like the way he lives his life or not? Maybe I should just learn to support him if he's happy (as a friend, of course), and just pray. But in the same sense, its a two-way street ...
"Our maturity in Christ is a cooperative effort. YOU need to take the steps in your life to get rid of sin." - Pastor Eric Miller
With that being said, I made a list of things that I can personally do to help get rid of the sin in my life.
1. Don't date non-Christians ... wait, don't date ANY boy (non-Christian or EVEN CHRISTIAN)who do not have the same views on life as you do. Don't feel pressued into doing anything. If you feel guilty about something its probably because what you are doing is WRONG.
2. Be careful not to prejudge people (I tend to do this a lot).
3. Have patience in all circumstances.
4. Praise the Lord and pray to him ALWAYS. Let him have full control of your life.
I'm a smart girl ... I should start acting like it.
Saturday, January 6, 2007
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