The person I was vs. The person I am

So, I guess what prompted me to get one of these is that my boyfriend, Mike, has one. And it made me think about how I used to be big into the "blogging scene." In college, I had one of those xanga journals and updated it religiously. I would write about the randomness of my world at least twice a week. Then, one day I just stopped. LIke, did anyone really care about my random thoughts? Did anyone really care about my crazy adventures, and did the whole world really need to know every detail of whatever relationship I was in that week?

But really, I think possibly the real reason behind the whole blog thing is that I really don't thinkthat in-depth about things anymore. Which, in a way, kind of makes me sad. I feel like I'm not as witty or sharp as I once was.

Mike read me some of his blog postings and I read him the editorials I wrote my senior year and over the summer at my internship. Back then, I had some really cool stuff to say. It really makes me upset that I've let my writing fall to the wayside. I haven't picked up a pen or oepened a word document in over 2 months. Man, it was my passion. I've been writing since... well, since I was capable of doing it. I remember making my first book when I was 6.

This leads me into THE PERSON I WAS VS. THE PERSON I AM

It's like, where do I even start? I am such a different person from who I was even 6 months ago. I guess the biggest thing is is that I'm not a college student anymore (1). I guess sometimes I'm still having a hard time adjusting to that. Mainly because some days I feel like I have nothing in my life. Let me explain... I have TONS! Like, Jesus first off (and that's all I will ever really need in life). I'm so close with my family now, and I love that. And I have super cool boyfriend. But, I feel like my world revolves around other people. Which isn't ness. a bad thing. Its what drives me everyday. But, sometimes I do wish I had something that was just for me. Like, I look at Mike. He's this crazy good triathlete. He has that. Like, in college I had 5 million activities. But, what do I do now? Not a whole lot. So, (2) I'm not as busy as I used to be and (3) I have a lack of ambition.

(4) I've become so freakin' indecisive. I used to be so driven. I knew exactly what I wanted and when I wanted it. After college, I was going to be a newspaper reporter, meet someone nice, marry by age 25 and have a kid when I turned 30. Umm... yeah, I don't think any of that is going to happen on schedule. Now, I have no clue if I want to be a newspaper reporter and have no idea when marriage or kids will come. I guess I still hope for the marriage by or before my 25th or 26th birthday. But hey, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. I think it just shows that I'm trusting in God more than I used 2. I know He has a plan for me and it's all going to unfold in His time, and I'm ok with that.

So, not all the changes have been negative. (5) I love Jesus, like woah. I always knew, but never felt. Recently, in the past few months, I've truly learned what it is to know Him. I never want to lose that. It's the greatest thing EVER... PERIOD.

(6) I'm a more caring person. I used to be angry about a lot of stuff and angry at a lot of people. I feel like God has just taken that from me and given me a brand new heart. It's cool when people say they can see the change. They can see Jesus in me, and knowing that, and as I'm writing I'm tearing up. I just want to take care of the people in my life and make them happy.

(7) I'm extermely independent. Yeah, I live my parents (until March), but I have the ness. skills and the capability to totally survive on my own. It makes me feel good. My daddy used to spoil me rotten (not saying that I don't miss that sometimes...). I don't let my current boyfriend or the any other guy dictate who I am or where I'm going or what I'm doing in life anymore. I'm finally in a normal relationship with someone who cares about me as much as I care about him. I don't have that little voice saying "Ashley, this is so wrong... RUN!" I guess I was in a good place when I started dating Mike. I wasn't emotionally attached to anyone anymore and I was really ready to compromise to make things work.

So, there are things about my former self that I wish I could have back, but there are things about my current self that I would never, ever change. I guess the key is to find the balance between the 2.

To learn more about me as a crazy college kid or just for a good laugh... check out http://www.xanga.com/quadkingluvr. Start with January 2004.