The Pursuit of Happyness

Do ever wonder what it would be like to be truly happy? No worries ... you love abs. every portion of your life? What would that be like? Is this something that is even possible?

So, last weekend I saw the new Will Smith movie, "The Pursuit of Happyness." (As a writer, I cringe spelling that with a 'y' and not an 'i'.) The movie wasn't as good as I thought it would be. It really just drug on. But, it was a good story. Basically, it was a story of man who was completely broke, and left by his wife to raise his 5 -year-old son. He gets this internship at a brokerage firm, but its not paid. He works his way thru this internship. He and his son end of living in like a homeless shelter type thing, and even spend a few nights in a subway bathroom. So, it ends up he gets the one job spot out of the intership and eventually ends up owning his own multi-million dollar firm.

A black screen with white lettering told the end of the story. I sat staring at these words, about this multi-million dollar company that he ended up creating, and though to myself, 'that's total happiness?'

So, thus made me think about how total happiness is defined. I think 'happiness' means different things to different people. So, here it is ...
Things that make me happy: my family, my friends, granny smith apples, chocolate, Christmas, a warm bed, the memories I have from college, helping others, the beach, my paycheck, good music, dance lessons, macaroons ... I could go on and on.
But, like all those things are so material. So, what if I based my happiness solely on those things? Anyone of those things can be ripped out from underneath me in the blink of an eye. My friends and family could stop loving me or be gone, chocolate, granny smith apples and macroons could be become non-marketable foods, beaches can errode, when I'm old I may not remember as much of college as I can now, I could loose the ability to dance ever again, I could lose my job, etc. etc. So, strip all those things away and what would be left?

Six or seven years ago, when I was 15 and 16, I struggled with depression. I was sad all the time, I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to be around other people. I wanted to die. I just wanted my pain to go away so bad that I just wanted to die. There it is, flat out. I start to cry as I write about it, because I remember what a lost person I was back then. I think about all the great things in my life that I would have missed out on if I would have taken my own life. I would have never graduated high school, gone to college, met my best friends. I think about my family ... if I would have done it, how would that have screwed up my dad and my brother and my sister's lives?

I'm not completey cured and I'm not completely all better. I haven't thought about taking my own life in a really, really long time, but there are so day where I still get down and just want to be left alone. I think it will always be something I struggle with.

When I accepted Christ almost 2 years ago, I found my hope and I found my strength. I know that if all those material things are taken from me, I will still have my faith. The biggest thing I learned is that even tho I have that, my life is never going to be perfect. Becoming a Christian didn't make my life perfect and easy, and it never will. There are always going to be those trials and tough times in my life. But through those things, I am going to grow as a person and my relationship with Christ is going to be shaped and molded and strengthened. Without those hard times, how would I know just how great God is?

So, happiness, such a screwed up concept. Complete and total happiness ... I think its about being ok with yourself and not basing your existance on material things. Maybe your idea of happiness changes with each stage of your life.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield. My heart trusts in him, and I am helped." -Psalm 28:7

Philip's Dream

My stepbrother, Philip, preached at church on Saturday night. It was awesome. The things he talked about were some things that have been weighing on my heart for the past few months, Like, finding our purpose, breaking free of your chains (everything that may be holding us back) and becoming the people God created us to be.

Then he talked about this dream he had. He was standing at the gates of heaven. God said he's let him in. As Philip was aout to step into Heaven, he sees hundred of poeple stnading off to the side. He asks God where they are going. God tells him to hell and when Philip asks why, God informs him its becuase of him. "They are going to hell because of you."

It made me stop and think ... who is going ot hell because of me? Because I didn't share the gospel with them. Who were going to be those people stnading off the side when I get to Heaven? I immediately thought of the person sitting to my right that evening ... Mike. I though of my brother, my sister and Katie. The people I'm closest to in life. It started to hurt so bad. How could I be so close to these people and them not know the love of Jesus?

I thought about it all night and all the next day. Then I started to think about not only the people in my life that I know, but complete strangers. How do people percieve me? Does the way I act or think make people want to know about Christ? How many people have I turned off?

So, I was feeling pretty crappy and feeling like a subpar Christ follower. I was feeling so discouraged and felt that I wasn't making any sort of difference.

Then God spoke.

This kid I knew in college, Kurt (I was acutally his boss at the newspaper), IMed me and left me this message. Basically he said he read my AIM info and said that it made a lot of sense to him. In my profile I write "Fulfilling God's purpose happens by choice, not by chance" and "God chose me, therefore it is always too soon to give up." Through Kurt, God was telling me not to give up. He told me to keep persuing it and keep on pushing on. I totally needed that.

I sent Kurt a message on Facebook telling him that I'm glad my words meant something to him, because I really needed to hear what he told me. So he wrote back ... "It's just kinda cool because I daydream alot and start f*in around on the internet and aim, and what you put in their makes alot of sense for me, especially now. I've had probably one of the most f*ed up times of my life in the months after I got out of school. God definatly helped me out, and I realized that he does have a plan, but you have to be willing to achieve the final destination of the path he puts you on."

So, God is awesome. I can't see what he does with my life and the lives of people in it.

The person I was vs. The person I am

So, I guess what prompted me to get one of these is that my boyfriend, Mike, has one. And it made me think about how I used to be big into the "blogging scene." In college, I had one of those xanga journals and updated it religiously. I would write about the randomness of my world at least twice a week. Then, one day I just stopped. LIke, did anyone really care about my random thoughts? Did anyone really care about my crazy adventures, and did the whole world really need to know every detail of whatever relationship I was in that week?

But really, I think possibly the real reason behind the whole blog thing is that I really don't thinkthat in-depth about things anymore. Which, in a way, kind of makes me sad. I feel like I'm not as witty or sharp as I once was.

Mike read me some of his blog postings and I read him the editorials I wrote my senior year and over the summer at my internship. Back then, I had some really cool stuff to say. It really makes me upset that I've let my writing fall to the wayside. I haven't picked up a pen or oepened a word document in over 2 months. Man, it was my passion. I've been writing since... well, since I was capable of doing it. I remember making my first book when I was 6.

This leads me into THE PERSON I WAS VS. THE PERSON I AM

It's like, where do I even start? I am such a different person from who I was even 6 months ago. I guess the biggest thing is is that I'm not a college student anymore (1). I guess sometimes I'm still having a hard time adjusting to that. Mainly because some days I feel like I have nothing in my life. Let me explain... I have TONS! Like, Jesus first off (and that's all I will ever really need in life). I'm so close with my family now, and I love that. And I have super cool boyfriend. But, I feel like my world revolves around other people. Which isn't ness. a bad thing. Its what drives me everyday. But, sometimes I do wish I had something that was just for me. Like, I look at Mike. He's this crazy good triathlete. He has that. Like, in college I had 5 million activities. But, what do I do now? Not a whole lot. So, (2) I'm not as busy as I used to be and (3) I have a lack of ambition.

(4) I've become so freakin' indecisive. I used to be so driven. I knew exactly what I wanted and when I wanted it. After college, I was going to be a newspaper reporter, meet someone nice, marry by age 25 and have a kid when I turned 30. Umm... yeah, I don't think any of that is going to happen on schedule. Now, I have no clue if I want to be a newspaper reporter and have no idea when marriage or kids will come. I guess I still hope for the marriage by or before my 25th or 26th birthday. But hey, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. I think it just shows that I'm trusting in God more than I used 2. I know He has a plan for me and it's all going to unfold in His time, and I'm ok with that.

So, not all the changes have been negative. (5) I love Jesus, like woah. I always knew, but never felt. Recently, in the past few months, I've truly learned what it is to know Him. I never want to lose that. It's the greatest thing EVER... PERIOD.

(6) I'm a more caring person. I used to be angry about a lot of stuff and angry at a lot of people. I feel like God has just taken that from me and given me a brand new heart. It's cool when people say they can see the change. They can see Jesus in me, and knowing that, and as I'm writing I'm tearing up. I just want to take care of the people in my life and make them happy.

(7) I'm extermely independent. Yeah, I live my parents (until March), but I have the ness. skills and the capability to totally survive on my own. It makes me feel good. My daddy used to spoil me rotten (not saying that I don't miss that sometimes...). I don't let my current boyfriend or the any other guy dictate who I am or where I'm going or what I'm doing in life anymore. I'm finally in a normal relationship with someone who cares about me as much as I care about him. I don't have that little voice saying "Ashley, this is so wrong... RUN!" I guess I was in a good place when I started dating Mike. I wasn't emotionally attached to anyone anymore and I was really ready to compromise to make things work.

So, there are things about my former self that I wish I could have back, but there are things about my current self that I would never, ever change. I guess the key is to find the balance between the 2.

To learn more about me as a crazy college kid or just for a good laugh... check out http://www.xanga.com/quadkingluvr. Start with January 2004.